Milnerton Players is an amateur theatre company founded 40 years ago and have been successfully presenting dramas, musicals, comedies
and other on stage entertainment, at the Milnerton Playhouse in Pienaar Road, Milnerton for 30 years now.

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By Ray Cooney & Michael Cooney

Direction: Johann van der Merwe

WHERE:  MILNERTON PLAYHOUSE, Pienaar Road, Milnerton (next to Milnerton Library)

DATE:       SUNDAY 5 APRIL 2020 @ 12.00

FOLLOW-UP AUDITION (if necessary): SUNDAY 19 APRIL 2020@ 12.OO

PERFORMANCE DATES: Between 17 July and 1 August 2020

REHEARSAL SCHEDULE: To be negotiated between – beginning May and mid July 2020


Happy-go-lucky Tom and lovely wife Linda are trying to adopt a baby. The final obstacle is Mrs. Potter, the formidable lady from the UK Social Services, who has to tick off everything on her check list this morning. Unfortunately Tom’s two brothers’ well-meant but disastrous interventions seem set to derail the process completely: brother Dick, who is a lovable rogue, turns up with Tom’s motor van from a jaunt across the English Channel, loaded with contraband, and, unknown to him, two stow-away illegal East European refugees – a non English speaking grandfather and granddaughter duo. Brother Harry, shrewd but thick, who works as a porter at a local London hospital, turns up with carefully wrapped parts of human cadavers set for cremation which could fetch quite a price with medical students, eager to explore their expertise in anatomy and surgery. Naturally, the inevitable happens: a London “bobby” becomes suspicious of a vehicle with an expired license parked outside and, as the one discovery leads to another, ever disapproving Mrs. Potter starts to smell a rat, while a menacing East European gangster – who trades in humans – also turns up to collect the money for his merchandise …


TOM – likable, beleaguered, ingenious, surrounded by disaster. A quick mover! 30-ish/40-ish and even 50-ish. A comedy part par excellence. Big part

LINDA – Tom’s wife. Attractive. In control. Lovely entrances and exits and lines. Age to fit that of Tom’s. Medium part

DICK – Tom’s one brother: a lovable rogue. Scheming is his business:

plotter/ planner/ non achiever. Age match-able to that of Tom. Medium part. Lots of action

HARRY – the third brother. Thick as a brick. Age compatible with the other two brothers. Medium part. Diving from; and crawling from outside onto a “second floor” window required

MRS POTTER – a relentless, humourless bureaucrat, set on doing a thorough job. Age 40-ish to 50-ish. Medium part.

KATERINA – East European refugee. 20-ish/30-ish; even 40-ish. Rather rough around the edges. Has to speak some Albanian lines provided in clear phonetics by the playwrights. Bad English too. Medium part

ANDREAS – Katerina’s grandfather: rustic, even rougher round the edges than Katerina. Age depending on the actress cast as Katerina: anywhere from the 50’s or 60’s onwards. Should be able to handle a drunk scene. Medium part

CONSTABLE DOWNS – could be male; or female. Actor must understand this typical English comedy character: unmoved, straight faced, never rattled. Age immaterial. Medium part

BORIS –  European thug: people trading his speciality. Smooth but menacing. Age immaterial. Opportunity for an actor to really go over the top. Small part

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